I want a bird

I have an amazing story of the Lord’s goodness, but first I must share a little background. I have been reading Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge. We often learn about the heart of God as a masculine heart. Captivating explores the heart of a woman and God’s characteristics that are specifically feminine. We are, after all, created in His image too. The book talks about lies that Satan has been speaking into the hearts of women for centuries and challenges the reader to figure out what lies are echoing in her heart and then to command them to leave. After much prayer, I have learned that the lies I hear are “You’re not worthy. You are not special. You are ordinary and therefore deserve nothing above ordinary.”
I am a giver. I love loving others. I’m like a moth to a light when it comes to someone in need. I don’t do it because I have to or because I want people to like me. I do it because I love giving. I love sharing with others and making people feel cared for. However, I have a very hard time accepting gifts or letting others take care of me. I find it incredibly hard to graciously accept gifts, compliments, and help. This goes the same for my relationship with Christ. I strive in my sinful nature to love God to the best of my ability, and he loves that. I’m learning that God is a romantic God who wants to be pursued (just like every woman) and repeatedly calls Christians to “follow, seek, ask, knock” (women, isn’t that what we want from others in our life?). And like any lover, the Lord loves to give in return. This is where I’ve been failing my Lover. I have not been letting Him in. I have not allowed Him to romance me because I’ve been believing the lies of the Enemy: that I’m not special or worth any extravagant love.
There is a story in Captivating where John goes down to the beach for some quiet time with the Lord. While on the beach he sees a magnificent whale up close and personal. He comes back to tell his wife, Stasi, of the gift God gave him. The next day Stasi is on the same beach enjoying her quiet time with the Lord. She prays for a whale. She wants to feel the wild love of God and his good gifts too. She is heart broken when no whale comes. As she heads back, she comes across a beautiful orange starfish. She smiles and thanks the Lord for His gift. As she rounded the corner, she was met by another surprise from her Savior. She tells the story: “There before me, behind me, surrounding me, were hundreds of starfish… There were purple ones and orange ones and blue ones, all sizes. I burst into joyful laughter, my heart exploding inside me. God didn’t just love me. He LOOOOOVED me! Intimately, personally, completely” (Captivating 117).
I have been wanting to ask the Lord for such an act of romance as this, but haven’t because I was allowing the lies and fear of disappointment to hold me back. This morning I went on a bike ride. The air smelled amazing and sent old memories soaring to the surface of my thoughts. The air smelled just like my fondest memories: pine, bark, and salty ocean air. It was as if the Lord sent the Northern California breeze just for me. I smiled and thanked him. As I was riding, I was reminded of the story I just shared. Without much thought I prayed, “I want a bird.” I pedaled for a few more seconds and saw a beautiful bird sitting in a small tree that sat just on the end of a corn field. “God, I want that bird. And I want it to fly with me.” My heart was pounding as approached the tree where the bird was perched. “Would he come through for me?” Right as I cycled past the tree, the bird whistled and swooped down next to me. He then flew next to me and in front of me. He even did a turn and some fancy acrobatics. The faster he flew, the faster I rode, though he was never more than a few feet away. He flew next to me until I reached the end of the road. Tears just started rolling down my cheeks and my heart was filled with giddy laughter. I am special! My God does love me enough to give me extravagant gifts! My heart has been romanced. I am in love and am loved in return!