For several years I felt called to live in Haiti. In the beginning Jody did not feel that calling at all. After awhile he started feeling it as well. Several times we made plans to move only to have those plans changed by God. There was a point that I truly felt that I had heard wrong and resigned myself to not going. About that same time my work with Three Angels came to an end. That seemed to be just another sign that we weren’t meant to move. However, things were moving along for Jody to get hired on with the UN. We were confused to say the least. As the reality that we could move set in; we felt that God was opening doors in His perfect timing. I felt Him saying to me, “get out of the way, Gail, I can handle this!” The move wasn’t without its trials. Jody’s departure date changed, the house we moved into was not what it was portrayed to be, the Nanny we hired to watch the little kids so I could home school the older ones did not work out. We had no stove, no refrigerator, no car and very little money since we were trying to support 2 households on the same salary we had barely supported 1 on. All of this was putting a strain on our marriage.
We persevered… Jody was deployed, we bought a car and a refrigerator, the home owner finally bought the stove, and we found a new nanny (who is AWESOME). We still had very little money but at least we were all together. During all the transition time, I did not seek out to do “anything” except exist in Haiti. I did not want to seek out a ministry, a place to serve. I prayed for God to reveal it to me. And waited! And waited!! And 7 months later I’m still waiting. This is never easy for me. I’m a “doer”. I like to be involved; I like to feel “needed”. A few weeks ago I got the chance to participate in helping a family finish their adoption and get their kids home. I felt alive, at my best, it felt so good to be “involved” again. Adoptions have been my passion, my calling. It is what I do best. The joy that comes from watching a family come together after so many months of struggle is something I can not put into words. To see how God brought people together, in His grace, in His timing, in His perfect way is amazing. But, that was a one time thing, not an ongoing place to serve. So now what?
I’m beginning to question why I’m here. Why is it that God moved our family to a third world country, if He did not want us to serve Him here?? There are plenty of places I could just get involved in, good places, but I do not feel that’s what I’m meant to do. But, if not them…where?? And is it possible that there isn’t anywhere for me here?? Is being in Haiti not about us serving? It’s a strange feeling for me… to do nothing. Don’t get me wrong, I still have things to do… I do have 6 kids here… a house… responsibilities… but I would have all those things in the US but with 24 hour electricity, with a car that has AC, with the safety of living in the US. So why here?? Should we pack it in and go home? Were we wrong… are we meant to be here? And if not, then what?
I’m not sure what these ramblings are really about. I have no idea why I feel I need to put them out there for everyone to see… take the chance of being judged… of getting advice I do not want to hear. I don’t know why, yet I’m compelled to do just that. So I will. And in doing so, take a step towards trusting God to direct our paths further… whether or not we want to hear what He says.
7 comments:
Dear Gail,
I encourage you to read Proverbs 31. You ARE serving Him so beautifully already, and I want you to see that. Lugging your own water every day to wash clothes, budgeting and spending wisely so y'all can make it down there, homeschooling your children, keeping up a house, loving your man well... You have a tremendous ministry within your family. I think you're doing well by praying and not "searching out" another ministry outside of all this. I agree with you that if He has more for you He will bring it your way. But as of right now He has not given you any more work. So, my thoughts are these: 1) Rejoice! Revel in the fact that you have the energy to do all that you do and then some. What a huge blessing that is! You keep going like the Energizer bunny, and that incredible endurance is a gift from Him to be treasured! 2) Strive for excellence in the work He has given you- doing it all as unto Him. 3) Find rest in Him in those quiet, unbusy moments when you feel you should be doing more. Dig in to His word. If He has not called you to do more then I think it's safe to say He has called you to stillness. After all, what is more difficult? Spending a day feeding meals to people who are in desperate need and being satisfied to see their thankfulness, OR sitting completely still in a chair all day long, doing absolutely nothing, and being completely happy and satisfied in Him? I personally find it much more difficult to be satisfied in Him alone. And pride arises in my heart when I start to feel good about doing things for others. 4) I would imagine that, living where you do, and seeing what you see every day, there is a heavy burden on your heart to reach out and help those around you that we do not feel as keenly here in the states. I feel it rising up in me every time I visit Haiti- this overwhelming sense of being powerless to help- because the needs are so great and so numerous. I recently read an awesome quote on Shanley's Jinja blog that gave me SO much peace about this:
"He [a new friend Shanley had just met] gave us ideas of where to go and how to minister – and I knew both our heads were swimming with ideas and regrets, and wishing we could stay. Then, he said something that put all my emotions under the hand of Christ, and told them “Stop. Submit.” He said, “but, hey, don’t fall under the heaviness of the weight of the tyranny of urgency.”
My jaw must have dropped. I stared at him and he continued - “you’re young. And when I was 19 or 20 I thought I had to get everything done that moment, and start doing everything exactly right for Christ, and go do missions exactly how He would call for the rest of my life – and then someone told me that I was young, and I could rest in Him. And to relax. See, Christ calls you for rest – because His burden is easy – He doesn’t call you to give you the kind of ministry or responsibility that makes you worry and fret and think about getting everything done today. Do you see?”
I have a cousin with MS who spent the last 20+ years of her life in bed. When she died last year she only had partial use of one hand. Was she not serving the Lord by doing what little she could where He had placed her? She could pray. She could meditate on Him. That was pretty much it. So that is what she did. And I believe He was just as satisfied in her doing what very little she could for others, with gladness and thanksgiving, in His name, as He would have been if she'd been running all over town ministering to the poor. Being still is just as much of a "work" as doing something physically when it's done out of love for and obedience to Christ- since He cares about our hearts much more than He cares about our actions- which even on our best, most exerting day are still but filthy rags before Him.
Sorry to leave a whole blog post in your comments! My ONLY intention here was to encourage you! I know weird tones can be read into blog posts & comments, so please know I wrote this prayerfully and in love. If anything came across as condemning or ungracious please just ignore it, sister!
Gail,
Although I don't have experience to give you much advice, I've always thought one of my spiritual gifts was encouragement. What a bold woman of faith you are. To move your family in following the call God has placed on your heart is outstanding- for this I know you will be blessed. I've spent quite a few years as a part of your family and have seen the loving mother, wife, and friend you are to all. I have seen you in your element working at the orphanage passionate about changing young lives. I have also seen you very tired and depleted of spiritual energy. But...if I know anything about your personality, I know you are strong. God has such a large plan for you even in Haiti. Unfortunately we don't always run on "God-Time". Continue to seek His will and be patient.
I fill like a dork trying to give one of my role models encouragement and from an honest perspective, I appreciate your honesty in communicating how you are feeling. Gail- you have made a huge impact in my life. Tears are streaming down my face due to missing a family I love. Know that you are prayed for daily and loved by countless people. You have served God and changed so many lives because of your service.
This all goes to say I LOVE YOU! I miss our chats and having you as a part of my daily life. I miss you and continue to pray for you.
Your daughter,
Aleah
I felt the same way my first few months in Haiti. As you remember, there were some weird growing pains and my role was undefined. I wasn't doing much and I felt worthless. But in this unbusy time, I plunged into the word and got intimate with Christ. This is a time when you need to remember your whole purpose in life, what you were created for: to please the Lord. He created you simply for his pleasure. He delights in you and wants you to do the same. A woman at rest, content with her circumstances, and satisfied in her Lord is much harder to come by than a woman at work. You please the Lord by just being you! Use this time to pursue the heart of God and allow Him to fill the unease in your heart. I'm just like you in that way and I know how hard it is to not be used, but the best way we can serve the Lord is by simply being in a worshipful state and allowing him to love us in return.
I love you Mama!
Gail, Could you still do work for 3A's regarding adoption? I hear you were excelent!!!!!
Have I mentioned how amazing you are??
Praying for you!!
I don't think I can add anything to what Cara, Aleah, & Carsen so eloquently said.
I personally wish you were still working with adoptions at the orphanage but you need to do whatever God is telling you to do...even if that is being still for a time & basking in His presence. {{{ Hugs my friend! }}}
Your transparency and commitment to following God's leading is an example to me. I am so glad that you can be together as a family and that you have this "less busy" time to share with your children. It may not seem wonderful ALL the time :-) but cherish it! God bless you all and thanks again for sharing your heart.
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