longing

How do you convince your heart to stop feeling and longing for something you can not have?

How do you stop dreaming about, both day and night, about a place you can not go?

How do you wait for answers that are not coming fast enough for me?

These are questions I've been asking myself since coming back to the states 18 months ago. In the past I've heard people talk about "leaving a piece of themselves in a particular place" and "my home is in..." I never understood any of it. I always believed that "home" was where you were. That you made the choice to not feel at home where you were. It took me going to a tiny third world country full of corruption, pollution and poverty to realize you can leave a piece of yourself behind.

There hasn't been a single day in the last 18 months that I have not thought about going back to where a piece of me is...

I want to wake up to the sound of chickens.

I want to hear vendors announcing their presence outside my gate with a melody all their own as they try to scratch out a living selling ze (eggs), legim (vegetables), crem (ice cream) and just about anything you can imagine door to door.

I want to hear the sound of horns blaring and people yelling at each other in traffic that doesn't move.

I want to drive by churches overflowing with people singing hymns so beautifully it has to make the angels in heaven envious.

I want to stand on the balcony of the Ibolele hotel and look out over the city of Petionville, be able to identify landmarks and feel good that I know the city so well.

I want to eat a zaboca (avacado), tomat(tomato) and zonyon (onion) salad made by women who wont take no for an answer.

I want to taste the sweetness of freshly made zoranj (orange) and grenadia (passion fruit) ji (juice).

I want to sit in an overcrowded church with no air conditioning and wooden benches, listening to a guy with a Boston accent and hair in need of a good cut, preaching a message that stays with me all week long.

I want to hear the sound of laughter from the Nannies as I stumble over a language I wish I knew better.

I want to swim in water so clear you can see the bottom of the ocean.

I want to be told to put my shoes on or I'm going to get a stomach ache.

I want what I can not have.

I want to go back to Haiti.

I want to do things right this time.

I want to not squander the opportunity to do the things God called me to do. The things I did not do when I was given the chance to live in the place my heart longs to be.

I want God to answer my prayers in my timing, but...

I will wait on Him. I will not get ahead of Him. I will love my family, my home away from home and continue to pray that a door will be opened. I will ask God to allow us to go home.