living life to it's fullest

One of the first questions I often hear is 

“are you sure?” followed by, “do you smoke?”  

Yes, the doctors are sure and no I do not smoke.  

I smoked a little in high school because it was the cool thing to do.  

I spent a lot of time in smoky bars in my 20’s.  

My dad smoked when I was a kid.  

I've even smoked a cigar or two.

But none of that really explains the diagnosis.  

The disbelief continues with statements like, 

“but you are too young” or “you look healthy”.   

I was an active teenager.  Spent time playing sports, boogie boarding and doing musicals, things that were physically demanding.  

I had no problem keeping up with my peers.  

Until my senior year, when I noticed it was getting 

harder to breathe 

during activities.  I thought it was because I had 

put on a few pounds 

and had stopped being as active as I had been.  

My mom took me to the doctor and I was 

diagnosed with asthma 

and given an inhaler.  A few months later 

I started dating Jody who was very active, I 

lost a few pounds 

and seemed to be managing my symptoms fine.  

It wasn’t until after I had Carsen that I noticed that my symptoms had returned.  I talked to my doctor and 

once again was told it was asthma, 

given a different medication 

and was told to lose a little weight.  

This went on for years.  

I’d go see a doctor, they would tell me 

I needed to lose a few pounds, 

use my inhaler and 

exercise more 

because 

my lungs were “out of shape”.  

I would go home feeling like it was my fault I was constantly out of breath and couldn’t enjoy the same activities my husband did.  

I would get on an 

exercise program 

and no matter how hard I tried I was 

always short of breath, 

would “hit a wall” and have to stop.  

My weight loss attempt 

would only go so far and 

I would get discouraged and stop.  

I also found myself getting sick all the time.  

Every virus that went around I caught.  

And not in the same way everyone else got it.  

I would be down for days.  

My cough was always worse, often developing in to something severe like bronchitis or walking pneumonia.  

Looking back it’s been that way my whole life.  

As a child I had both several times.  

And the croup.  

And pleurisy. 

When we moved to Colorado the 

shortness of breath 

got worse.  

I assumed it was because of the altitude. 

And being 

overweight.

And not exercising. 

You know, all those things I've been told my whole life. 

But after one really bad episode when 

I actually thought I was having a heart attack 

I finally went and saw a new doctor.  She was wonderful!  

She really listened to me

 and was willing to look at things other doctors wouldn’t even consider.  

30 years of being told 

I was lazy, 

needed to exercise more 

and lose weight 

finally came to an end.  

One simple test finally gave me an answer.  

It’s not me, it’s my lungs.  

And asthma medication isn't going to help!

I have Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease or COPD.  

Most people hear COPD and think smoker over the age of 55.  

Although 75% of people diagnosed with COPD smoke, 

I fall within that 25% that don’t.  

The majority of people diagnosed with COPD are over the age 55.  

However, I most likely fall within that very small 5% that develop the disease between 18-24.  I wasn’t diagnosed until I was 45 so for statistical purposes I would be in the 11% of people diagnosed between 45-54.  (copd.com)

There is no cure for COPD, it’s something I will live with for the rest of my life.  My lungs will deteriorate faster than other people my age, but now that I have a diagnosis there are things I can do to slow that process down.  

And with the right medication and a few lifestyle changes it can be managed.  Little changes have made a huge difference already, such as new medication, sleeping with a humidifier and turning the heat in the house down. 

I will never be able to run a marathon 

but I should be able to go on family bike rides.  

I won’t be able to climb a 14’er 

but I should be able to take short hikes with Jody.  

I still get fatigued easily and catch every virus that I’m exposed to but as I get healthier my body should be able to fight against these things. 

My immediate goal is to walk a few blocks or 

play outside with the kids without getting winded.  

Sounds like a small thing, 

and for most it is, 

but for me it’s a struggle.  

For those of you who know me well and see me everyday, 

you are probably really confused right now.  

Thinking, “but I see her all the time.  She’s always out doing stuff.”  

And you’re right.  

I am.  

Having COPD doesn’t stop me from doing things, 

in the summertime we walk downtown all the time; 

we go on vacations; 

I’ve been skiing all winter 

but these activities take a huge toll on my body.  

I get injured because I’m so focused on breathing 

that I don’t notice my surroundings.   

I can’t keep up with the kids so I let Jody handle most of the active play.   

I’ve dealt with the disease for so long not knowing what it was that I’ve learned ways to “fake it”.  

I’d like to stop faking it and get on to real living.

My long-term goal is to compete in another mud run, 

here in Colorado, in the altitude.  

I will probably have to walk most of it but that’s ok.  

I really enjoyed the ones I’ve done and I walked those too.  

But, this time there won’t be any guilt at the end.  

I know I’m walking, 

not because I didn’t train hard enough or because I’m lazy but, 

because it’s just the way it has to be.

Having a chronic disease isn’t easy. 

I can let it define my life, 

dictate everything I do

and bring me down.

  

Or 

I can accept the diagnosis, 

follow the advice of my doctors 

and do my best to live my life to fullest.  

I choose to live life.