Parenting

I've decided that my parenting skills are outdated and antiquated and quite honestly, do not work! I'm using the same ol' technique of yelling, screaming, begging, spanking and grounding of my kids that my mom used. I'm not really sure why, it didn't work in the 60's, 70's and 80's on my brother and I, so why do I think it will work with my kids??

I've heard so much from friends who have kids who are respectful and responsible that they use a technique called "Parenting with Love and Logic". I finally bought the book yesterday. It is so good!! I'm already almost done with the book. I have never read a parenting book that made so much sense before.

The premise behind it is we must let our children learn to make their own decisions early on so they are able to make wise choices when we are not with them. They must learn that there are consequences (both good and bad) to every decision we make. One example they gave was about wearing a warm coat. We give them the choice to put it on or not. If they choose to not wear it and then are cold and complain we simply say, "I'm sure you are, I'm always cold without my coat in this weather". Nothing more! No lecture, no "I told you so". They will then learn that they need to wear the coat the next time. Of course, this goes against our natural instinct to "protect" them. Obviously, if they are going out for a 6 hour hike in the snow covered mountains we would not let them go out and get frost bite but if they are taught early on that they will be cold without their coat you won't have to!!

By teaching kids early-on about natural consequences the "Stakes" are lower. A ten minute car ride to run errands sitting in the car freezing is a much easier lesson then getting frostbite.

I've used the basic concept of choices already. Last night Shane (age 12) wanted to stay up to watch a movie that started at 10 p.m. When he asked me if he could, I simply said to him, "That's your choice, we will be leaving for church at the same time (8:45 a.m.) and you will need to be ready". I then said, "I'm going to bed now, I do not want to be grumpy tomorrow because I'm tired". I then went to bed. Shane woke up this morning very tired (he is still laying in bed and we need to leave in 30 minutes). He said to me, "I'm really tired, can I skip church." I simply responded with, "church is important and we will be leaving at 8:45". He then said, "I should have went to bed earlier!!". There was no lecturing needed, he figured it out all on his own!

This morning Sutton did not get her way so she began to throw a fit. Instead of saying, "be quiet" over and over again, I gave her a choice, she could stay in the kitchen quietly or go to her room and cry all she wanted. I asked her which she would prefer and she said "stay with you" and quit crying.

The thing I'm most worried about though is Jody thinks it all sounds ridiculous. He was raised that children should do as their parents say, period! He is convinced that our children will never make the right choice and we will have horrible kids. I know he is basing this on his experience with people who choose not to parent. He goes to calls at their houses all day long. They want the police to parent their children. I'm praying he will see the merits of this parenting style and give it a try! It says it will take one month for every year you have not parented this way. So for Shane it could take 12 months for him to understand that he is ultimately responsible for his own choices.

I'm totally ready to give it try but my husband...not so much!! I'm praying we can find a way to make it work so that the yelling and screaming and more importantly the repeating of things can end!