living with emotional. behavioral and psychological disorders

I usually try to keep things light and fun on here. But, there's stuff that weighs heavy on my heart right now. Jody and I don't talk about this a lot because it's not easy and people don't "get" it.

Life is different for us... we live with kids that have serious issues. Issues that dictate everything we do. Our life revolves around a child who sabotages family outings, destroys things, steals, lies, completely disregards rules, doesn't respond to discipline, shows no remorse and refuses to accept love except on her terms. We also live with a child that is mentally delayed, has little impulse control, struggles with angry outbursts and destroys things when he doesn't get his way. We live in isolation much of the time because people who have not experienced any of this do not understand what we go through. We are judged by what our children say and do. We hear things like "you should spank them more", "you should never spank them", "consistent discipline is what they need", "if you keep getting angry, they win", "you need to put them on medicine, my friends, neighbors, sisters kid got on meds and he's doing great", "you should never use chemicals to try and alter their behavior, they just need love", and my all time favorite "give me a week with that kid and I'd whip them into shape". My comment to the last..."I'd like to see you try, at least I'd get a week's vacation!"

We don't go to picnics, parties, bar-b-ques, carnivals or any activity that involves crowds. It's not enjoyable for us or our kids. It is too stimulating for the 2 with issues, it embarrasses the ones without and we spend the entire time trying to prevent destruction and be vigilant with them every minute that we come home utterly exhausted. We don't go on dates because teenage babysitters can't handle them and usually only last one night. We can't afford to pay for more experienced, trained babysitters.

I'm not sharing this looking for sympathy; we don't need it. I'm not sharing to have people tell us what saints, angels or what a blessing we are to these poor children; that's offensive to us. I'm sharing to help people understand us. To understand why we don't attend functions. To understand the exhaustion you see on our faces. To understand why we seem harsh with our kids.

But most importantly I'm sharing in the hope that people will understand what life is like for the hundreds of other families that have similar stories. I'm sharing this hoping instead of judgement people will offer understanding. Thinking or worse saying, "well you chose to adopt these kids..." or "this is the path you willing took" is not helpful and is down right rude.

When you come across a family with kids that seem undisciplined or out of control lose the judgement. If you witness what you deem "harsh" discipline step back and allow the parent to do what is right for the child. You stepping in undermines their authority and gives the child leverage to further manipulate the situation. I'm not saying turn your back on obvious abuse; just remember that disciplining a child with emotional, behavioral and psychological needs is much different then parenting a "normal" child. If appropriate offer to help with the other children; get them signed into children's church, entertain them with a story so the child creating the scene doesn't get more attention, supervise them while the out-of-control child can be contained or offer to take siblings to outings to give them a chance to experience normal activites.

Please don't be offended if your offer to go out or come to dinner is repeatedly turned down. It's probably not you. Going in public or to someone's house is difficult...really difficult.  But, don't stop asking. It hurts to have to say no, but it hurts worse when you aren't even given the chance to respond.

If the family does accept an offer to do something remember that they will need to be near the kids. Don't sit in the comfy chairs 15 feet away from the playground, pool or play room. Go sit with the parents near the kids activities, socialize where they must be. There is nothing worse then being invited to a gathering and being excluded from a chance at adult interaction because you have to watch everything your child does and all the other adults have kids that can safely entertain themselves.

Don't diminish the difficulties a parent faces by saying things like, "you think your kids are out-of-control you should see...", "oh, I'm sure it's not that bad" or "I'm sure it will be fine, they can't possible be that destructive". It IS that bad and they ARE that destructive. Put valuables away and your kids favorite toys in a safe place. Things like markers, glue and scissors are not a good idea unless you want to repaint, repair or replace something. Telling a child with these issues "don't touch" is an invitation to do just the opposite.

I could go on and on with advise. But, advise doesn't change things. Action does. Loving children with serious issues is a full-time job. It's like running sprints every minute of every day. It's tiring and for the most part unrewarding. But, it is what it is. We do not like what is happening inside their bodies, hearts and minds. But, we do love our children. We love them enough to do what is needed to help them become the best they can, using the resources we have even when most people do not understand.